Our infertility struggle

Infertility is a four-letter word

Earlier today I was sitting here staring at the big orange “Publish Post” button, contemplating the consequences of a trigger-happy finger… I’ve put up just about every excuse in the book for NOT starting this post.

It’s not that I’m embarrassed. I know we’re not the only couple in the world going through this. And I’m an avid champion and user of social media (blogs included), but this is a really, really personal topic. And most of the time, I feel like it’s really not anyone’s business but me and my husbands (and our mothers)…

However, I think I know deep down, that if I’m going to get through this, I need to put it out there… On the internet for others to read.

I don’t mean to go all Carrie Bradshaw here, but I watched Sex and the City religiously during the brief time I lived in New York, and some of what Carrie wrote really stuck with me. This quote in particular seems relevant to my life right now…

“When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep walking.”

So, that’s what Jay and I are doing. We’re taking another step. Today is a new day and a new chance for us to become parents.

When getting pregnant doesn’t just “happen” and procreation suddenly becomes a project with a budget, a schedule and a timeline, well, it makes you stop and think. We’ve thought A LOT; and we really, really, really want to be parents.  I really want to be a mother.

You may not know it, but 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age suffer from infertility (according to The National Infertility Association). Jay and I are one of those couples. And we’ve spent the last year trying to conceive (abbreviated as TTC). We’ve spent more money on treatments — Don’t get me started on that — we could’ve gone on at least one trip around the world. But we didn’t. We chose to spend our money trying to have a baby.

I’ve had more intimate encounters with the ultrasound wand in the last year than I care to recount. It’s never even offered to take me to dinner!

We’ve laughed, we’ve cried.

We’ve named our embryos.

Infertility is a roller coaster ride of stress, hope, and often, disappointment.

I have a disease called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (or PCOS). It’s actually a pretty “popular” disease and if you really, really, really want to, you can read all about it on Wikipedia. We’re open to answering all your questions about PCOS and our struggle with infertility. All you have to do is ask.

I like being able to control my own destiny. No one has had much success telling me what to do with my life, and it pissed me off that I can’t control my own body. I come from a pretty long line of stubborn women. I myself am a feisty, strong-willed, independent woman. I’ve always been able to “make things happen.” But I can’t make this happen. No matter how hard I squeeze my eyes shut and stand in the shower begging God, pleading with Allah and offering all kinds of deals to any deity that might be willing to listen. No one is there. No one is standing up for me and saying, “You know what, enough is enough. This woman has been through a lot of crap, let’s throw her a bone here.”

I was angry that I could not control my own body; that I could not command it to work like every other woman’s body. I felt alone and I felt bitter.  I felt like I was being mocked, tortured and punished by every “Guess what? I’m preggers!” announcement on Facebook, every bulging belly, every newborn in a stroller….

Then suddenly, it hit me, this huge wave of relief…. There is one 100 percent guaranteed way to create the family that I’ve dreamed of… Adoption. It makes total sense. Jay is adopted, my cousins are adopted. We can do this!  This can happen. We just need to find the right woman to partner with us.

I think you and me, we have a lot in common. Neither of our situations are perfect or planned, but you know what, we’ll make it work. We’ll give this child the best life possible, and we will all love him/her for the rest of our lives.

I know you are a strong woman and I admire you for considering to place your child for adoption. I really look forward to meeting you and getting to know you.

-Staci